today;

was so happy.

+

I don't know why I wanted to move when I was going to miss it so much. I felt like I was suffocating, but now it's like my life line.

If I stayed, I wonder how it would be.
Not meeting the people I did at this new place, meeting people that I never knew existed.
I wouldn't miss them, cause I wouldn't know they existed. But, that's kinda scary thinking that there's still so much more people out there that I haven't met who might, no who WILL change my life.

It's weird thinking about how much longer this road is.
And how every. little. thing. leads up to each and every situation, outcome. Whatever.

human mind;

Have you ever thought about it?


That the how ever many billions of people that walk this Earth, not one of them are the exact same? That each one of them have their own story, distinct personalities that make them who they are.

It's overwhelming.

reflect;

I have no self-control.
It's like a cavity, I indulge to the point where it hurts in the end.

+

When did things go wrong?
When did I lose sight of who I am?
Somethings missing, a part of me.
I do, but don't think about what I do.

+

Why did I drink? Why did I smoke?
When was I so obsessed with such materialistic things, frugal things?
Just like trees, I need to cut off old branches to grow new ones.

I need to cut off old habits, for a better life.
For a better me.

+

There's nothing wrong.
I have two hands, two feet.
I have people whom I cherish and who cherish me.
Than what is it that I'm craving?
That I'm dying to have?

I don't know what it is, but I feel it.
I feel it yearning and wanting.
Is that why I drank myself into oblivion? Perhaps I thought it would quell my want.
It did, temporarily.

But, in the end it was short lived, ephemeral feelings.

+

I need a hobby.

untitled #2

I'm tired and worn.
I wonder what I'm doing with my life, where I'm headed and it worries me because right now, it feels like I'm headed no where. I constantly say to myself; it's time to study, get your grades back up, it's no problem.

But, it is a problem. I'm not studying, my grades aren't getting any better and it scares me.
I'm still doing stupid things that I said I wouldn't and I'm not keeping promises to myself or the people important to me and it disappoints me. I'm not who I want to be and I don't know what I want and it bothers me. I'm far from being a good person; there's still a lot of things I need to fix, but lately it feels like my judgment is clouded.

This is not what I want.