i feel like writing.

In the shadows of that room, my memories lurked. That nostalgic, dim lighting, I basked in it's lonliness. Left alone by the brightness of the day and the warmth of the sun. The shutters are closed, I let go of the hand that held me so close. I let go of the ones who loved me the most.

emotion;

I don't know why I'm so emotional lately. I feel frustrated and stressed. My insides are twisting and turning. I just want something to hold on to, something to anchor me. Something to remind me to do the right thing. I feel like crying and screaming, but I'm not even sure why. I feel horrible as the days go by, and it's not optional, I just FEEL without thinking. My heart feels heavy and I just want summer to be here so I can rest. Reboot. Restart.

I came here with the intention of restarting. I came here to do better and feel better. To cut off all ties I had before. But, contrary to what I wanted, I'm doing worse. Only thing different is the people and the fact I actually find refuge in my church. But, how can I express how I feel when I'm not even sure what's going on inside my head. I cried yesterday without even being sure why I was crying. I mean I kind of do know what started it, my dad, but I'm not exactly sure why.

I feel so guilty, but for what?

no regrets;

It was my decision, I chose to do it.
After feeling like CRAP, I realized, no regrets. I'm not allowed to regret it. I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I had a choice. I chose to do it. So I shouldn't regret it. Just move forward.

This lazy feeling is tugging at me.
My stomach is twisting, I feel paranoid.

I don't like it.
But an expierience is an expierience.
Hopefully it'll be the last.
I wish someone would tell me not to, but do I really need someone to tell me that? Cause I already know myself.

I hate it. I feel so useless, powerless.
I know she's hurting, that this is probably one of the most hardest moment in her life so far. If I could say something, do something, do anything to make it better I would.

Life's unfair and it's always the people close to us that hurt us the most.

Warm memories; like a cup of coffee.

I failed to realize how good it was back then.

I wasted time rather then enjoying it.

Now that I look back, I realize how fun it was and how much I should have cherished it. The people I met were truly good people, interesting people and now I can think to myself, what a great time I had. Nostalgic memories flood me. Dancing in the street, mooning people at night, harassing the math teacher, crossing a huge stream just cause I wanted lollipops, laying outside on the sidewalk just to avoid going inside, running through a dark forest only to trip and fall, walking in to stop signs, midnight jogs.

When was it complicated? When did superficial things matter? It scares me to think that I'm going to forget these memories one day, forget how it was so simple, just be happy. Forget the warm memories that I turn to in times of trouble. It scares me when negative feelings over come the better things in life that I should be focusing on and it's scary when I realize, it probably can't be like that again.

today;

was so happy.

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I don't know why I wanted to move when I was going to miss it so much. I felt like I was suffocating, but now it's like my life line.

If I stayed, I wonder how it would be.
Not meeting the people I did at this new place, meeting people that I never knew existed.
I wouldn't miss them, cause I wouldn't know they existed. But, that's kinda scary thinking that there's still so much more people out there that I haven't met who might, no who WILL change my life.

It's weird thinking about how much longer this road is.
And how every. little. thing. leads up to each and every situation, outcome. Whatever.

human mind;

Have you ever thought about it?


That the how ever many billions of people that walk this Earth, not one of them are the exact same? That each one of them have their own story, distinct personalities that make them who they are.

It's overwhelming.

reflect;

I have no self-control.
It's like a cavity, I indulge to the point where it hurts in the end.

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When did things go wrong?
When did I lose sight of who I am?
Somethings missing, a part of me.
I do, but don't think about what I do.

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Why did I drink? Why did I smoke?
When was I so obsessed with such materialistic things, frugal things?
Just like trees, I need to cut off old branches to grow new ones.

I need to cut off old habits, for a better life.
For a better me.

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There's nothing wrong.
I have two hands, two feet.
I have people whom I cherish and who cherish me.
Than what is it that I'm craving?
That I'm dying to have?

I don't know what it is, but I feel it.
I feel it yearning and wanting.
Is that why I drank myself into oblivion? Perhaps I thought it would quell my want.
It did, temporarily.

But, in the end it was short lived, ephemeral feelings.

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I need a hobby.

untitled #2

I'm tired and worn.
I wonder what I'm doing with my life, where I'm headed and it worries me because right now, it feels like I'm headed no where. I constantly say to myself; it's time to study, get your grades back up, it's no problem.

But, it is a problem. I'm not studying, my grades aren't getting any better and it scares me.
I'm still doing stupid things that I said I wouldn't and I'm not keeping promises to myself or the people important to me and it disappoints me. I'm not who I want to be and I don't know what I want and it bothers me. I'm far from being a good person; there's still a lot of things I need to fix, but lately it feels like my judgment is clouded.

This is not what I want.

crossroads and train tracks;

Where will I be in another five, ten, twenty years?

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I keep forgetting the most important thing; to be happy, enjoy.
Why do I let such things get to me.

I have so many things to do, places I want to see, and so many people I will eventually meet later in life.
Being negative and letting such petty things affect me is just wasting my time.

let it rain;

i can't wait for it to rain.

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Midterms are killer.
I just want to take a nap; which I did. (:
Chem + APUSH tomorrow.
UGHHHHRSDFBMSfdbksdfmblksmdfbgsdFGDSFgjkjdajg!!!

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Everyone lies, right?
But, it's ignorant to lie to someone when they know the truth.
Please don't lie to me, I'm not holding the past against you, but what do you take me for? A fool? I'm not that naive anymore. You don't need to make excuses. It's okay for what you did in the past, but the only thing I have against you is that you don't know how to stop. Didn't you learn from the first time around? I never bring up the subject and yet you're always telling me she's crazy, that she lied, that it never happened. I never held it against you, no hard feelings or anything, but please stop lying to me. I saw the make up on your shirt, I saw the hotel receipts, and even now I hear it from your wife, just like how I heard it from mom. I don't want to say anything even though I should, but I won't. I just hope you'll realize one day what mistakes you're making.

If you're so against me knowing, doesn't that mean even you acknowledge that its wrong?

You have a wife and two kids. If not for me, can't you settle down for them?

keys to my heart;

Today was a shit day.
I couldn't think; I was ridiculously tired.

I hate the thought of being alone or being left.
My I threw my security blanket away and entered this place on my own for the thrill.
Was it worth it?

Just give me something to smile about, something to look forward to, something to be excited about, just something.

Not just a default smile, but that spark in life that get's me moving, that gets me warm, that helps me find myself and who I am. What I am. That something that gives me the strength to truly pull out who I am. I feel like I lost it.

The key's to my own heart, mind, and soul.

But, maybe this is who I am.
Just not who I want to be.

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give me heart;

Big hipped, small eyed, large head, fat thighs, flat nose, wavy hair, tan skin, strange feet, obnoxious, indecisive, meek, contradicting, awkward; flawed.
I thought that I could accept everyone's flaws because it makes them who they are, their flaws made them interesting.
Flaws make people interesting; no doubt about it. But, I'm not so sure if I can accept everyone's flaws if I can't even accept mine yet.
No matter how much I bite my tongue and deny it, those feelings are not nonexistant.
Maybe one day.
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I hate how childish she can be.
Dear Mom,

When will you grow up?